– By Mark Glass –
RATING: 1 out of 5 stars
(PG-13)
SPOILER ALERT – This review contains plenty, but the film makers deserve them!
Reasons not to watch this turkey:
1- Sofia Boutella, who was mesmerizing as the springblade-legged assassin in KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE, is completely wasted in this drab role, despite playing the title character.
2- Tom Cruise, as the reanimated Mummy’s new love interest and/or destiny fulfiller, gets far more screen time than Boutella, making it a supernatural “Mission Improbable” flick.
3- The plot, such as it is, involves a foxy, ambitious princess, poised to become the next pharaoh until daddy sires a son, who jumps ahead in the line of succession the moment the midwife spanks his princely bottom. That leads her to strike a deal with Set, the God of the Dead. She fillets the rest of her family before anyone can breed again. Then she would kill a lover, whose body Set would inhabit for a long and happy reign of torturing everyone else…together. That failed; she was mummified alive and buried in Iraq for a few millennia, until a couple of US soldiers of dubious character (Cruise and Jake Johnson) accidentally un-bury her with an airstrike during our national misadventures over there. By amazing coincidence, a comely British archaeologist (Annabelle Wallis) Cruise had just boinked to snatch an ancient map from her, arrives on the scene to schlep the crypt to England, where other artifacts essential to the old plot were also unearthed.
4- Her boss (Russell Crowe) is Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. Literally. That one. No explanation for how he’s still alive in the present, or not fictional, or not living under a pseudonym.
READ THE FULL REVIEW AT PATCH CLAYTON-RICHMOND HEIGHTS:
https://patch.com/missouri/clayton-richmondheights/movie-review-mummy
